Anxiety is a Bitch

So you've been invited to a baby shower by one of your 'School mum's' friends. You agree to attend even-though you only really know the girl who's having the baby and your friend who is hosting it at her house. You say yes, then almost immediately regret it! But you can't say no now! What plausible excuse could you come up with? It's too in advance to say you're ill, your husband has already agreed to watch the kids for you as well as the child who's mum is hosting the bloody thing! You decide to play along in the couple of weeks that follow, discussing games that you could play and what takeaways to order. But the list of people attending that you don't know, grows by the day and the quiet get together that was originally planned is well and truly out the window! 

You convince yourself that you are going to go and that you ARE going to have a good time. YOU WILL!! 

Eventually you have to admit to yourself that you're panicking now and you confide in your husband that you wished you'd said no, but he tells you to stop worrying and to go out and enjoy yourself.

It's now the night before and your friend tests you the final numbers and the time she'll drop her daughter off at your house before picking you up. You don't reply. It's now at a point where it's all you can think of. Who's going? What on earth do I talk about? What if I go quiet and everyone thinks I'm weird or ignorant? What if they all think I'm boring? Your husband simply says "who cares what people think of you, just be yourself!" to which you reply "that's my bloody point!" It does matter! To you it matters. You don't know why exactly but it does. This conversation then makes you feel ten times worse and you go to bed with that feeling in the pit of your stomach.

You wake the next morning and fall into the usual 'getting ready for school and work' routine. Your husband gingerly passes you your morning cup of tea as asks "So what time are you going tonight?" to which you snap "I'm not!", grab your handbag and head for the car, yelling at the kids as you go for not putting their shoes on the tenth time of asking.

You get to work and instantly regret your mood and outburst. Your phone goes and it's your friend again asking if you're ok? You type your reply, then delete it, you type it again. After an hour of contemplating, you press send..... and wait for a response. This is the part you always hate the most. The 'Letting People Down' part.  You receive the loveliest message back from your friend, telling you not to worry and wishing you well again soon. The relief washes away any form of worry and panic that you felt in the pit of your stomach and you feel like you can take on the remainder of the day.

Somehow, you've made it to Friday evening, a night that was planned to be full of laughter, food and winding down from the full week of work you'd just completed. But instead, you're in bed by 10:00pm, bathed and wearing your favourite pair of PJ's watching The Last Kingdom on Netflix. 

You receive a message from your friend who's baby shower it was, wishing you lots of love, hoping that you are feeling better and saying how sorry she is that you couldn't make it.

Then comes the guilt. You sit there and actually wish that you'd gone. Not listened to your hysterical inner self and had the balls to actually say "Screw you anxiety, I don't care anymore what you say, I'm going out with these people whom I don't know and I'm going to have a bloody good night and make some actual real life friends". 

But instead for now, Uhtred Ragnarson will have to do!

That was my Friday night! Sound familiar? Social anxiety has haunted me for years, even now that I am married with three children, the thought of going out and socialising with people whom I do not know, scares me half to death. I take great comfort in knowing that my weekend plans involve just me and my family. I know that I'm not alone in this. I know that there are other people out there who are struggling like me. Wanting to give their children all the best experiences in life but feeling petrified at the process. 

Hopefully this blog post will give someone else out there knowledge that you too are not alone.

Best wishes to you.

Saralyn xx